Monthly Archives: January 2001

mommy guilt setting in early

ben, Canon Digital Rebel XTi

So I knew that I would have moments of worrying whether I was a good mother, I just didn’t know it would end up being my very first moment of motherhood! I hadn’t realized how deeply engrained all of those images from movies were, that moment when the baby finally comes out, the doctors put them on the mama’s chest and the mom weeps because she is so moved and in love.

This totally didn’t happen to me.

It was not love at first sight. I was “in” a lot of things… but not love exactly. I was in… pain (there was that pesky business with the stitches and then, oh yeah, the placenta being delivered) I was in awe, I was in relief, I was in total shock. It was all so overwhelming and confusing and WEIRD. No one told me that I might not be in love but just completely tripped out. What just happened to me? and whose baby is this? I must have thought I would somehow recognize him from a past life or from my dreams or something… because my first thought was, “Wow! You are a brand new person. I don’t know you!”

So that’s when I started to think that maybe I was a bad person and I should start mustering up those love feelings pretty quick or they were going to take him away.

And they did come… but they happened slowly and over time. Every day and week that passed (and passes) Matt and I agree that we love him even more. Just when we think we can’t love him any more, we do. And that’s how it was when I fell in love with Matt. It took two years for me to fall for him, but when I was in I was in. Luckily, it took much less time with Ben.

I share this to dispel the fantasy that we should be a certain way at certain moments of our lives. At our wedding? Matt was the one who cried at the altar. When one of my best friends moved away it took me weeks before I called her and cried and said, “I can’t believe you’re gone!!!” Sometimes it takes time for things to sink in.

Do any of you have moments like these you want to share? when you thought you should feel something you didn’t? or felt something you were ashamed of?