No capes. Just courage.
Listen in as psychotherapist and author Francis Weller, MFT discuss the communal nature of grief, the expressive virtue of anger, false happiness, and the two hands of grief and gratitude. Interview recorded at the 2013 Minnesota Men’s Conference. Give yourself the gift of this 13 minutes. Totally life-changing wisdom.
At the heart of Nhat Hanh’s teachings is the idea that “understanding is love’s other name” — that to love another means to fully understand his or her suffering. (“Suffering” sounds rather dramatic, but in Buddhism it refers to any source of profound dissatisfaction — be it physical or psychoemotional or spiritual.) Understanding, after all, is what everybody needs — but even if we grasp this on a theoretical level, we habitually get too caught in the smallness of our fixations to be able to offer such expansive understanding. He illustrates this mismatch of scales with an apt metaphor:
“If you pour a handful of salt into a cup of water, the water becomes undrinkable. But if you pour the salt into a river, people can continue to draw the water to cook, wash, and drink. The river is immense, and it has the capacity to receive, embrace, and transform. When our hearts are small, our understanding and compassion are limited, and we suffer. We can’t accept or tolerate others and their shortcomings, and we demand that they change. But when our hearts expand, these same things don’t make us suffer anymore. We have a lot of understanding and compassion and can embrace others. We accept others as they are, and then they have a chance to transform.”
“The question then becomes how to grow our own hearts, which begins with a commitment to understand and bear witness to our own suffering: When we feed and support our own happiness, we are nourishing our ability to love. That’s why to love means to learn the art of nourishing our happiness. Understanding someone’s suffering is the best gift you can give another person. Understanding is love’s other name. If you don’t understand, you can’t love.”
When I shared this on my Facebook page, the wise Lauren Rosenfeld responded with this:
“Sometimes we stubbornly refuse to understand because we believe that understanding is a zero sum game: If I reach out to understand you, I must give up a part of my self that I am clinging to as if it were a raft on turbulent river of life. But, in reaching out to understand, what I truly give up is self certainty, which is ego driven and illusory. I let go of the raft of self certainty and find that the flow of the river of Life will carry me and you together.
Understanding is infinitely expansive and illuminating — and in this way — as Thay explains — it is equivalent to love: it casts light on our true nature, our interconnectedness, our infinite and infinitely expansive being.”
I have read these quotes over and over in the last couple of weeks, letting it sink into my heart as deeply as it can go. It’s becoming a bit of a mantra – Understanding is love’s other name… And so I’ve been practicing lately – to get more curious, to let go of being right in favor of understanding. Sometimes it’s as easy as slowing down and reminding myself that all I need to do is listen.
Nico got into trouble again yesterday. This time during the after school program when he shouted, “BOOOOORRRING!” while everyone was reading quietly. And then the day before when he left the classroom with 2 other friends to, “feel the air on his face.” The teacher couldn’t find him for a while.
“What was happening when you decided to leave?” I asked.
“I don’t remember,” he replied. And then, “I was so exhausted, I just wanted to lie in the sun.”
Maybe this is it… I think. Chickens coming home to roost. The way Nico is going to act out in protest over the divorce, or the fact that I go out more than usual now, or that I’ve been very shouty lately. I catalog all the things I’ve done wrong, sure that I must be to blame- the one that’s causing this behavior.
He always has a little dirt beard.
The intuitive brought him up in the middle of our last reading. “Does your 5 year old say things that piss people off?”
“All. The. Time.” I replied. “He walked into the kitchen yesterday with his pants down and said, “It’s penis time ladies!”
The intuitive laughed. “He is having a language explosion right now. He’s highly observant. Probably a writer. This is just how he rolls. He will always be challenging for other people, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all. It really creates a lot of success for him. It will be his gold when he’s older.”
“So it’s not my fault?!” I wanted to say. Phew!!
When I was pregnant with Nico I had a vivid dream about him. He takes life in fully… was the dream’s message – food, pleasure, all of it. He doesn’t resist life. He guzzles it.
I could tell you more stories, like how the other day in the car he asked: “Mommy, why do people say OMG instead of oh-my-gosh?” And I said something about how it comes from texting culture and how people want to abbreviate things so they don’t have to type so much.
“I like saying oh-em-gee,” he replied. “It makes me feel like a big boy.”
Then he paused.
“Like a first grader.”
Best school picture ever.
You probably know that my superpower is taking portraits – particularly natural head shots of women I adore!
I love making women feel beautiful. I want them to feel like themselves in front of my lens- radiant, natural, with their true spirit shining through. My style is playful and easy.
You might even recognize some of the talented women on the site: Dr.Brene Brown, Bari Tessler Linden, Mati Rose McDonough, Karen Walrond, Amy Ahlers + SARK … just to name a few!
Let’s get you on the calendar. (Bay area peeps!)
I would love to get you on my calendar for the coming weeks and months! Whether it’s head shots for your website/blog (or a dating profile!) I’ve got you covered. Family sessions also available.
p.s. I will be teaching in Ojai this May as part of a gorgeous gathering of mamas – including Amanda de Cadenet Shiva Rose + so many more. It’s going to soulful and luxurious! More info here.
Just want to give a shout-out to some of my E-course Bootcamp alumni that have launched their courses since our work together. So proud of what they’ve created!
30 Day Love Your Body Breakthrough Course with Kimber Simpkins
Reading Your Cosmic Map: An Astrological Adventure Course
with Stargazer Li
Fireworks Storytelling with Gin
Waking Up, Writing Down with Lisa O’Neill
The Happiness Habit with Michelle deSpain
Find Your Flow: Tame the Chaos and Create a Rhythm for Your Whole Life
with Allison Mueller
“Do you run?” my life coach asked me recently. (She’s the one helping me step into the new Power-Fairy persona)
“I don’t really like getting my heart rate up,” I replied. Which is true. For some reason it scares me – one of the many things that make me anxious. I also don’t like to work very hard. ?
“Hmm…” she paused. “Because I’m getting an intuition that running would help you feel more powerful and more grounded. You need to remember how strong you are.”
The truth is, some part of my heart leaped when she said that. I had been secretly eyeing the runners in my neighborhood – wishing I could be like them but knowing that I’m not really cut out for it. I’m 44 years old and practically never run a day in my life. But when I see runners in the rain, I feel a special kind of longing – to be that girl all aglow with the rain on her face. Alive.
This was my chance.
“Okay.” I agreed. “I’ll try it.”
I downloaded an app called Couch to 5K which has been a nice, gentle way to begin. You listen to music and it tells you what to do- run or walk, alternating every 60-90 seconds.
I’m sore. I don’t always like it. But I do feel stronger each time.
And today? It rained. I was at the track at the junior high school when it really started coming down and a big smile came over me. Alright, I’m that girl! Let’s see how this feels…
As I walked home, soaked to the bone, I felt giddy.
How have I gone my entire life without running in the rain?
For our first prompt for the Brave Blogging course (you can still join in!) I asked my students to play with the meme that went around on Facebook for years – 25 Random Things about Me. It’s a great way to get loose and free with your writing. Here we go!
1. When I was 9 years old I dreamed of being a dancer on a cruise ship.
2. My favorite sound is when a big dog is eating crunchy food.
3. I have always been the girl to arrive at the party first and leave by 10pm.
4. I proudly stole weed from my parents when I was in high school and was mortified when my friends said, “This is shit weed! We can’t smoke this!”
5. I was the homecoming queen.
6. In my early 20’s I was obsessed with vintage photo booths and photographed myself in wacky costumes.
7. I often (mistakenly) see people with limbs missing when I walk down the street. I know, weird!
8. I’m afraid to drive at night.
9. I’m afraid to drive in cities where I don’t know where I’m going.
10. GPS changed my life.
11. When I was born, the doctors told my mother I might have Down Syndrome because of the unique lines on my palms.
12. I realized I was a grownup when Ben had his first seizure and there was no one around but me.
13. I still live with my husband even though we have been separated for more than a year.
14. This has been a gift in many ways to our healing process as a family.
15. I used to believe I was broken.
16. Zoloft kinda saved my life.
17. I met Gary Coleman in an elevator at the Beverly Wilshire hotel when I was 8 years old. We were the same height.
18. I believe in ghosts.
19. Once, a ghost spooned me while I napped at a friend’s house. When I woke up it wouldn’t let go. It was weird and scary.
20. I fantasize about being a great runner who runs in the rain.
21. I can still do the splits.
22. I cuss like a sailor in the right company.
23. I like talking to strangers.
24. I have synesthesia and see numbers as colors.
25. I often take walks during the magic hour so I can commune with the dogs of the neighborhood. It’s always the highlight of my day.
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