Caleb, Canon Digital Rebel

I got to see my gorgeous little nephew over the weekend and to celebrate my sister’s birthday. Happy Birthday Caroline! It’s amazing to watch him grow and to see our family in his little face… He is a big flirt and I loved seeing him capture the attention of women in restaurants. Apparently he has the hostess of this fabulous Boulder cafe {The Kitchen} wrapped around his 13 month old finger. I’m right there with her.

Andrea and Caleb, photo by Caroline

Thanks to my sister, researcher extraordinaire, I got the rundown on the best strollers, car seats, diaper bags, etc. Just when I thought that’s about all you need to get, she handed me a book that details all the gear you will need to prepare for this tiny little human. How is it possible that a 7 pound person needs so much stuff?

And why is my heart starting to go pitter patter over expensive strollers?

More pitter patter:

Chances are, you have already seen this video of Matt Harding the dancing guy. But really, even if you have, watch it agan because it is so inspiring and kind of hilarious and strangely moving. I just watched it and cried through the whole thing. But then again, I am amped up on hormones.

The most adorable shoes for little ones.

I am completely inspired by my photographer friend Anna Kuperberg. Her work is flawless and creative and her eye is so unique and playful. I look forward to having her photograph Matt and I (and my lovely lady lump) later in the year.

umbrellas, chinatown, San Francisco, Canon Digital Rebel

If you peeked into my kitchen right now your eyes would widen at the stunning array of fruit: oranges, lemons, grapefruits, peaches, apples, strawberries, apricots, loquats, kiwi, bananas and watermelon (and if we want to get technical, tomatoes and avocados) I think somebody is having a craving.

I wonder sometimes if I am relishing this experience more than your average pregnant person. Is the height of your joy really in exact proportion to the depth of your sorrow? I’ll never know… but I must say that I am truly, deeply, happy again. It was as if my joy was some long lost friend and we have recently reunited. It was a little awkward at first, but we really do like each other and now we are getting along famously.

A friend of mine asked me recently (who is going through some similar stuff) “What finally helped?” and I said, “You’re not going to like the answer…” “It was getting pregnant, huh?” she asked, and as much as I wanted to say something really inspiring about how you get to choose joy moment by moment (this is true!) and how I had some big breakthrough in how I was holding all of this (I did have lots of those) I still had to nod yes. The only thing that really helped was getting pregnant.

There was a time when I wondered if I was just permanently in a low grade state of depression, if I needed drugs or therapy or both… People started asking me hard questions like, “Is getting pregnant going to help? What if you still feel this way?” and that question always felt so BAD because I didn’t know the answer to it.

I hesitate to speak too much of the joy of pregnancy when I know so many of you are still going through the fertility journey. The funny thing is that I feel closer to that experience than I do my new one. I still feel mildly envious of women who are further along than me, who are closer to having that baby in their arms. I suppose it’s a habit I haven’t broken yet…

But what I really want to share is that I did find my joy again and I’m eating fruit and hiking in the woods and swimming at the YMCA and living in a brand new place that smells like jasmine and has sidewalk chalk drawings and you know what? Life is good and I’m savoring it… and this is new.

When I think of savor, I think of a spoonful of delicious food resting on your tongue, of being totally present to the gorgeousness of it, the lusciousness, the sweetness, the richness, and enjoying it completely. And that’s what I’ve been up to lately. I am savoring this time of my life, letting it roll around on my tongue in delight. I am present to the gift of it, to the magic of a dream unfolding.

Part of the pleasure of being pregnant is having a good, wild craving and the satisfying of it. Things just taste SO good… (Yesterday Matt came home to find me and my entire face buried in a graprefruit)And then there’s this even deeper craving, one that I had for so many years, this primal craving for motherhood that just couldn’t be satisfied with anything but. It was base, it was real, it was in my body as well as my heart, and the pain of not satisfying it was at times unbearable.

So I am savoring my very first bites of this sacred craving, celebrating with you, and with a fridge full of fruit.
What is there to savor in your life?

self-portrait, 13 weeks, Canon Digital Rebel

By popular request, a photo of the “bump” as my friend Denise likes to call it. The bump is currently hijacking all of my regular clothing, so I used the Bella Band for the first time today. It is brilliant and simple, and allows you to wear your regular pants (with the top button unbuttoned just a wee bit longer) This is one of those things you wish you had invented yourself!

Inspiration for a Monday morning:

I stumbled upon David Maisel’s work at the CCA graduate show a few weeks ago. His series of photographs called Library of Dust (large vivid photos of copper canisters from the early 1900′s holding the unclaimed remains of patients who died in the hospital) is surprisingly beautiful. The very next day, someone pointed me to his web site and I fell in love with his project called Terminal Mirage. These will truly take your breath away.

Take a trip through China with Benjamin Collier.

Weird little short films here and here.

One of my favorite photos from the awesome site called Mexican Pictures.

Guerilla gardening will delight you.

Today’s ultrasound, 12 weeks, GE Ultrasound equipment

I can’t hold out on you any longer and must share the good news… I’m 3 months pregnant! And feel a joy I can hardly put into words.

For now, I won’t even try to. I just want to thank you for your prayers.

On Mother’s Day at Glide, I was surprised when Janice Mirikitani got up on stage and did something that she’s never done in the 10 years I have been going to Glide. She said, “As we acknowledge the mothers today, I want to acknowledge the mothers to be as well. If you are willing, would anybody who is pregnant please stand up?”

My heart beat furiously in my chest and my friend Micki nudged me to stand. As I got up I realized that the entire sanctuary of over a thousand people had their eyes on me. I was the only one standing. I was overwhelmed by cheers and applause and all of these sweet faces of people I have been sitting with, praying with, celebrating with for so long, people I don’t even know the names of, all grinning at me with their hands in the air saying, “All right!!!”.

“That was for you,” Micki said. “All for you!” as she wiped my tears.

And that was the moment when all of this felt real for the first time.

After the service, an amazing woman (who visits this blog regularly) came up to me and said something I will never forget. She said, “I just want you to know that I’ve been putting prayers in the prayer basket for you each week. So in a way I feel like my prayers have been answered as well.”

And at that I burst into tears…

So to my little Glide angel and to all of you whose prayers I have felt so deeply over these years, I am so moved by you and so grateful. Thank you for your warm hearts and all of your support on this journey. You are generous and kind and I am proud to call you my community.

“Even if our efforts of attention seem for years to be producing no result, one day a light that is in exact proportion to them will flood the soul.” -Simone Weil