Monthly Archives: September 2016

You get to have this.

Oh my goodness friends, I’m moving. (I’ve been looking for almost a year in this crazy Bay Area housing market)

It feels like a miracle of endurance and faith and letting go.

It’s not fancy. In fact, it’s modest and the kitchen is tiny and the roof is pitched and the walls curve at funny angles. But I love it. Outside every window, all you see is trees… it has a big deck and two bedrooms with plushy carpet throughout. It’s cozy and feminine and feels like a treehouse. It has good mommy energy – like the redwoods surrounding it – feminine and powerful.

I feel safe there.

And the best part? There is another single mama who lives downstairs. Her girls are the same age as the boys. It’s the mommune I’ve always dreamed about! We have autonomy with our own apartment, but with another family living downstairs. We can share meals and play and look after one another. Plus, they have cats! Adorable cats!

When I did a walk-through with the mama from downstairs, my eyes pooled with tears, “Do I get to have this?” She beamed, “Andrea, you get to have this. What else do you want?”

And that made me think of you and us women in particular, and how our wants tend to go offline, how they get set aside in favor of other peoples’ wants. And we do this because we are kind and because we want to do right by our people and because we want everyone to like us and because we are afraid.

And after a while this becomes a habit… and we can’t even ask ourselves what we want without all the noise rushing in – what other people want, what we think we deserve, what’s practical, what we think we can get. It gets all muddled in there and you can’t tell what’s what anymore! or if you are worthy of any of it.

Is there something you want? A tiny thing? A big thing?

Close your eyes and imagine whispering it in my ear right now. “I want… (fill in the blank).”
Then imagine me looking into your eyes and saying, “You get to have that. What else do you want?”

Heart full of gratitude,
Andrea

P.S. Brave Blogging is going swimmingly! It is such a good class.
If you’ve been wanting to write more, please join us! It’s not too late.

Finding your creative gold.

Dear Friends,

My incredible writing teacher and friend Laurie Wagner and I are co-leading a workshop this October 7th-9th! And it’s all about Waking up the Wheelhouse and finding your creative gold.

We’re going to help you find your sweet spots — the places in your spirit that are so natural to you they are like breathing. The part of you that moves through the world in your own home groove- feeling relaxed, natural, intuitive and attuned to your inner knowing.

Life is so much easier when we are operating from what comes most naturally to us! We don’t have to work so hard or fight ourselves anymore. We are trusting ourselves.

Our days will include: Wild Writing, art-making, cooking, sharing + other juicy delights. You can read more about the workshop here.

P.S. Super bonus! You will get professional portraits done with me… at a very fun little Portrait Party session on Sunday afternoon! This makes the workshop almost free! ?

Other little nuggets of gold:

The Agape Prayer Line: (Dr. Michael Beckwith and friends) So I’ve never called a prayer line in my life, but push was coming to shove and wow… what a gift! Totally non-denominational goodness: (310) 348-1270

Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton (just got it from the library, can’t wait to dig in!)

The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller (I can hardly get through it because it is so dense with beauty, wisdom and poetry. I’ve earmarked nearly every page)

The Park(ing) Day Book!  Remember way back when, Matthew Passmore (my baby daddy) created this little thing that turned into a BIG THING called PARK(ing) Day? And now there are these things called Parklets cropping up in cities everywhere? They are celebrating with a book. I’m really proud of him. Please contribute! Even a tiny donation is so appreciated and helpful!

Brave Blogging is when you’re afraid to push publish. Like today.

I painted yesterday. As soon as I got a taste, I wanted more. I can feel it even as I type- I’m craving those colors, wanting to dip my fingers into cobalt, phthalo turquoise and yellow ochre. I want to squeeze those tubes of hot pink into my mouth.

Hiking has felt that way too. Anything that makes me feel better – sweating, creating, connecting, it all feels like the most potent medicine. I am like a starving person. None of it is lost on me.

Lost.

That’s part of this experience too. Where do I belong? Who do I belong to?

When the man I’ve been seeing for the last year broke up with me recently, I cried in my friends’ arms. My sweet friend that insisted on spending the night, who heard my voice shake and texted a few moments later: “I’m coming over right now and staying the night.”

She arrived with strawberries and whipped cream, wine, chocolate and two lottery tickets. And when the grief was overwhelming, she held me while I wept – a cry from such a deep, old place I hardly recognized it. A child’s tears… and I found myself saying: “He didn’t choose me. He didn’t choose me. I want someone to choose me…”

I want to know who I belong to.

“You belong to your boys,” the intuitive bodyworker said to me years ago. “You will always have your boys.” This is before I decided to leave, before I said those words: I can’t do this anymore… before everything unravelled.

Lost. In limbo. In between. Wobbling about.

“That hurt we embrace becomes joy. Call it to your arms where it can change.” I read this line in a Rumi poem recently. I think he’s talking about self-compassion and the alchemy of grief. That’s the water I’m swimming in folks. I know I’m not alone.

 

 

P.S. This is an example of Brave Blogging! Will you join me in doing more of it? Class begins on Monday!

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