Oh my goodness friends, I’m moving. (I’ve been looking for almost a year in this crazy Bay Area housing market)
It feels like a miracle of endurance and faith and letting go.
It’s not fancy. In fact, it’s modest and the kitchen is tiny and the roof is pitched and the walls curve at funny angles. But I love it. Outside every window, all you see is trees… it has a big deck and two bedrooms with plushy carpet throughout. It’s cozy and feminine and feels like a treehouse. It has good mommy energy – like the redwoods surrounding it – feminine and powerful.
I feel safe there.
And the best part? There is another single mama who lives downstairs. Her girls are the same age as the boys. It’s the mommune I’ve always dreamed about! We have autonomy with our own apartment, but with another family living downstairs. We can share meals and play and look after one another. Plus, they have cats! Adorable cats!
When I did a walk-through with the mama from downstairs, my eyes pooled with tears, “Do I get to have this?” She beamed, “Andrea, you get to have this. What else do you want?”
And that made me think of you and us women in particular, and how our wants tend to go offline, how they get set aside in favor of other peoples’ wants. And we do this because we are kind and because we want to do right by our people and because we want everyone to like us and because we are afraid.
And after a while this becomes a habit… and we can’t even ask ourselves what we want without all the noise rushing in – what other people want, what we think we deserve, what’s practical, what we think we can get. It gets all muddled in there and you can’t tell what’s what anymore! or if you are worthy of any of it.
Is there something you want? A tiny thing? A big thing?
Close your eyes and imagine whispering it in my ear right now. “I want… (fill in the blank).”
Then imagine me looking into your eyes and saying, “You get to have that. What else do you want?”
Heart full of gratitude,
Andrea
P.S. Brave Blogging is going swimmingly! It is such a good class.
If you’ve been wanting to write more, please join us! It’s not too late.
