Good enough mom.

Photo by Andrea Scher

He texted, “What question do you not want me to ask you? What question would you find disconcerting?”

I didn’t write it. I didn’t dare. But what came to mind was this: Are you a good mother?

Because all I can see sometimes is how I fail them.
How I’m not good enough.
How I don’t read to them long enough, and I shout, and I don’t volunteer in the classroom.

I hear about homemade muffins + family dinners and I think about our meals –  haphazard, no one staying in their chair, at least 3 different meals at play, not enough vegetables.

I think about the cavity on Nico’s tooth, the one right in the front – how on earth did he get a cavity there? and I can see how I delay getting him to the dentist. I imagine him with a gold tooth right there in the front and I feel mortified. I’d rather they just pulled that sucker out. He doesn’t need it, right? It’s just a baby tooth.

And I can see of course that this is all about me,
and that hidden part of me,
those two words inscribed somewhere inside my wounded heart: not enough.

And of course I will take him to the dentist, but I can already see myself rehearsing my lines – “I told him he needed to brush ALL of his teeth, someone (not me) has clearly been giving him gummy worms…”

However you slice it, there it is – bad mother.

Do all mothers feel this way?

I suppose if I really thought I was a terrible mother I wouldn’t be writing this – the shame would keep me hiding. But how do you get to good enough mother? and what is that anyway? There’s no way to tell.

Imperfect mother. Maybe I’ll make a t-shirt that says that. Or maybe we need a hashtag #imperfectmom

I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this. Maybe so I don’t feel so alone. Maybe so you don’t. Maybe we’ll all start wearing t-shirts that say funny things. Maybe it would help in those moments when you stare at that other mom – that perfect mom – from across the playground. Maybe it would help if she had a shirt that said, “I don’t know what I’m doing either. I’m totally in over my head. Let’s be friends.”

 

      

On my nightstand.

Here are the books I am enjoying right now:

Wondering Who You Are: A Memoir by Sonya Lea
A beautifully written, mind-blowing kind of love story written by my friend Sonya Lea about the loss of her husband’s memory after a traumatic brain injury. It’s tender and fierce and real and wise.

Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
Illuminating, heart-breaking, beautifully written.

Art Before Breakfast: A Zillion Ways to be More Creative No Matter How Busy You Are by Danny Gregory
Inspiration for my art practice. I love how Danny makes it fun and easy.

Wear Gratitude (Like A Sweater): Art + Words to Inspire by Susa Talan
Gorgeous little gift book full of inspiring quotes and art. My friends are so talented!

The Crossroads of Should and Must by Elle Luna
This one gives you courage for whatever creative leap you are imagining.

Orchard House: How a Neglected Garden Taught One Family to Grow by Tara Austen Weaver
You might know Tara from her great blog, Tea and Cookies. I love how she weaves her personal story with the tangle of the garden and the shared vision she has with her family. Poignant and healing.

Full: How I Learned to Satisfy My Insatiable Hunger and Feed My Soul by Kimber Simpkins
My friend and longtime yoga teacher shares her story about healing her eating disorder through yoga and body love. Going to her classes has helped me be friendlier to my body as well. She is full of wisdom.

Books I am reading next:


Rising Strong: Been so excited to read my friend Brené Brown’s brand new book!


Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert
Best title ever. And one of my favorite writers.


Light is the New Black: A Guide to Answering your Souls Callings and Working Your Light by Rebecca Campbell
This is one of those books that Amazon suggested I read and for some reason it lit up as a big yes. It should be arriving today.

For my kids:


Sometimes I Feel Like a Fox by Danielle Daniel
Been loving this book! and choosing which totem animal is ours. Beautifully illustrated.


Hilda and the Midnight Giant by Luke Pearson
I usually don’t love graphic novels but this one really captured me. The illustrations are so magical.

What’s on your nightstand?

 

      

One day you’re a dog. The next day, you’re in space.

“One day you’re a dog, and the next day you’re in space. Can you even imagine?”

This is what my friend Peter said to me more than 20 years ago. He was referring to a movie that I can’t recall the name of right now, but in it they refer to a dog that was sent into space.

We marveled at the thought. “It’s not like you could have told the dog ahead of time or prepared it for orbit. It happened just like that- boom! One day you’re a dog. the next day, you’re in space.” Peter shook his head.

That’s sort of how it happened for me – crossing the threshold. It came out in a blurt during a therapy session. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m not staying in a miserable marriage for the rest of my life.”

Everyone’s eyes got big. And when I say everyone, I mean my husbands’ and the therapist.

“I don’t even think I can do it for one more second.” I added.

Orbit.

A lot happened after that. There was a lot of yelling in the months to follow. There were a lot of tears. I slept at friends’ houses. It was scary and terrible.

One day you’re a dog. The next day you’re in space.

I didn’t plan for it to happen that day, nor did I know how clear I was until the words fell out of my mouth.

My friend Nate had asked me earlier that day, “If you were a natural disaster, which one would you be?” I scrunched up my face, perplexed. “I’d be a forest fire,” he declared.

I thought for a moment. “I think I’d be a lightning storm.  A bolt of electricity. Sudden. Precise. Not too much damage.”

It’s a year later now and we are still living together, just starting the mediation process. There has been a lot of healing.

But what I really want to tell you is this: Sometimes life changes like that – one day you’re a dog, the next day you’re in space.

No one prepared you for it.
No one warned you or reassured you.
They don’t even speak dog.

And yet, there you are just the same.

 

      

Make a list of things that make you happy.

I posted this graphic on my Facebook page and was excited to see how many people shared it. So I decided to actually make my lists + invite you to do the same!

Let’s do this.

What do you notice?
What little adjustments can you make?
How can you honor the things that matter to you most? how can you sprinkle in more things that bring you joy?

My joy list + musings on how the lists compare

 

 

      

What the heck is E-course Bootcamp anyway?

What the heck is E-course Bootcamp anyway? from andrea scher on Vimeo.

Wanted to share a bit about E-course Bootcamp with you in this quick + dirty little video!

Class begins September 14th!

Enter the code EARLY100 to get $100 off.