The Journey: Part Two

file folders, Canon Digital Rebel

*I suggest reading The Journey: Part one before continuing with this story.

Let me begin by saying that in my journey to get pregnant there wasn’t some magic moment when I “let go.” There was no signing of adoption papers (some people seem to think adoption is a fertility drug which I disagree with on many levels). There was no feeling of “whenever it happens is fine.” There was no thinking the right thoughts to make this happen. I did not think the right thoughts.

Before I reflect any further however, let me give you the gory details. I left you with us opening that door to western medicine, to the UCSF IVF clinic to be exact. We arrived at the office for our first appointment and the very first thing we saw was a sign reading, “Due to the sensitive nature of this practice, please do not bring children into this office.” Tears came to my eyes. They got it. They knew that if you walked through those doors you’d been through the ringer. You were probably frustrated, deeply afraid, and also hopeful that this place (and all of your savings) would result in the baby you so longed for. (And frankly, you were probably not in the mood to see someone else’s happy, adorable child.)

We saw our doctor who happened to be young, brilliant, italian and gorgeous. Ciao dottore! He was also encouraging and positive and framed things so beautifully. His italian accent didn’t hurt either. “This is very good, very good, very good, very normal…” as he flipped through our extensive interview. “I am very optimistic for you.” I almost cried right there. NO ONE had said that to me in all these years.

After two hours of interviewing us and doing an internal exam, he didn’t once ask me if I was drinking caffeine or the right kind of water or suggesting I go on a liver cleanse. He simply pulled out a piece of paper and said, “This is our plan. You take the following tests, (He very sweetly looked up at me and added, “I’m sure they will be very normal.”) and then this is our first step. We try this for 3-6 months and if that doesn’t work, we go to step 2, and so on…” Each step was a different, and/or a more invasive kind of intervention. We weren’t thrilled about all the steps, but we had a plan and it was written down on paper. This was more than we’d ever had! I liked this man with a plan.

As Matt and I stepped into the elevator we looked at each other and agreed we felt hopeful for the first time. His line of questioning didn’t have the undertone of “What are you DOING WRONG that has this not work? He simply looked at the facts (the sperm analysis, counted my follicles, went over our blood test results…) It was so scientific and objective! and I was ready for that.

A quick interlude now. An abridged list of the things people asked me/suggested to me during this journey:
1. You’re drinking tap water? You have to stop that immediately.
2. You stopped coffee, that’s good. But green tea? That’s just as bad.
3. Drink as much green tea as you can.
4. Black tea? Bad bad bad.
5. Coffee? bad bad bad.
6. How do you hold your sphincter? No, really. Are you clenched up a lot? You need to relax there.
7. Don’t exercise too much.
8. Yoga bad.
9. Yoga good.
10. Try evening primrose, Vitamin A, chaste berry, Vitex, herbs, raspberrry leaf, nettles and rosehips.
11. Matt should stop riding his bicycle.
12. (Said in a thick accent from a tiny, adorable acupuncturist): “Your husband reason you miscarry! Bad sperm! Bring him for treatment!”

You just need to relax.
You just need to have faith.
You just need to relax your sphincter.
You just need to take these herbs.
You just need to take this speculum home and identify the exact day you ovulate.
You need a liver cleanse.
Your kidney chi is too low.
You need to to let go.
You need to clear out the old energy in your womb, your old wounds.
Do you think you were really pregnant that first time? Who diagnosed it?
You need to meditate.
You need to go on vacation.
You need to drink Robitussin.
You need to have only good sex.
You need to look into adoption.
You need to be unattached.
Maybe if you weren’t depressed..

Are you crazy yet people?

After weeks of more testing (some of it was really uncomfortable, namely the HSG test) going to a class where I learned to inject an orange with a syringe (for some possible future day of injectible meds) and more blood tests, we went back to our doctor and got the results. Our diagnosis was “Unexplained infertility.” Very technical term, no?

For us, this meant that they had no idea what was wrong with us, or said differently, that there was nothing wrong with us, and we began our first intervention. This was Clomid (a fertility drug taken orally for 5 days) and then an IUI (intrauterine insemination) on ovulation day.

I was afraid of what the drug would do to me. In some, it creates hyper-moodiness, hot flashes, night sweats, nausea or even blurred vision. After a few days of taking it, I didn’t notice any side effects at all other than the fact that when I watched Oprah that week, I would start crying when she was announced and the crowd started cheering. Just the sight of Oprah was very overwhelming!

Ultrasound day was very exciting. We saw that I had two follicles with eggs that were about to drop. We knew twins was a possibility and as long as there weren’t 4 or 5 follicles with eggs, we were still game.

After taking an ovulation predictor (still the best way in my opinion to determine ovulation, and less crazy-making than charting your temperature) we came in the next day for our big moment. Matt came by in the morning to make his deposit, they washed it in a centrifuge, got rid of the slowpokes and made his sperm bionic and super-powered! My appointment was later in the day and lasted all of 5 minutes. They threaded a catheter into my uterus and shot those guys right up there. Done! We asked if I should lay there for a while and the nurse said, “It’s not necessary, but people like to. Stay as long as you like.” So I laid there for a bit and Matt and I chatted. It wasn’t exactly romantic, but it was exciting.

And that was that.

A couple of weeks later, frustrated, sad and angry that I felt no symptoms, I grieved. I grieved for yet another cycle of disappointment, for all that we had been through, for getting our hopes up, for the fear that it might never work. I cried so hard my eyes were swollen and my head ached, but I felt like I had finally touched into the depth of my sadness.

And then I took a pregnancy test.

And it was positive.

I am a Clomid success story. Or maybe an IUI success story. (I am adding these lines because when I was scared about taking Clomid, I googled “clomid success story” about a hundred times looking for positive story) Look here folks! It worked for us on the first try.

In the end, we’ll never know what it was that helped. Was it the drugs or was it simply meant to be that cycle? Was it the bionic sperm or did all that praying finally pay off? We’ll never know. We will always have to, no matter how difficult it is to do, bow down to the mystery. Oh, the mystery.


  1. Posted August 14, 2006 at 10:56 am | Permalink

    amazing, my dear!
    what a journey!
    God bless you 3 ?

  2. Posted August 14, 2006 at 10:56 am | Permalink

    amazing, my dear!
    what a journey!
    God bless you 3 ?

  3. Posted August 14, 2006 at 11:13 am | Permalink

    Wow. I relate to just about everything you wrote here. Our first cycle with clomid (and some other hormones) didn’t work…so we’re gearing up for the second time. I think we’ll be doing IUI this time. I hope it works. ? I’m so thrilled that it worked for you and I’m so excited for you and your growing family.

  4. erica
    Posted August 14, 2006 at 11:20 am | Permalink

    To me it sounds like the birth of some new hope, and faith, spurred on by your meeting the gorgeous doctor was what may have done it….

  5. Sandy
    Posted August 14, 2006 at 11:27 am | Permalink

    sweet sweet mystery…love that.

  6. Posted August 14, 2006 at 11:30 am | Permalink

    Oh, sweet girl. Even though we spoke in person, this story still made me ooze with happiness.
    And I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: you are going to be an AMAZING mother.
    Blessings to you and yours.

  7. Posted August 14, 2006 at 11:31 am | Permalink

    So well written, Andrea. Such a tale, told with strength and perspective.

  8. Julia
    Posted August 14, 2006 at 11:43 am | Permalink

    You have domumented your “journey” with such honesty, that it brought tears to my eyes. How happy I am for you and Matt that this sweet mystery of life is unfolding for you. Continued blessings. ?

  9. Posted August 14, 2006 at 11:45 am | Permalink

    i am a clomid sucess story too andrea. i remember walking into the specialist and she looked at me and said ‘it is no longer your job to get you pregnant, it is now mine.’ oh what mountains (9 years of infertility) of guilt and fear were lifted off my shoulders at that point. within the first dose of the clomid i was pregnant.
    i am remembering the loathing i felt for my own body as it failed me month after month. the grief at seeing the evidence of my inadequacy. i knew it was a lie in my head, but my heart and soul kept reminding me i was wrong.
    our daughter is now 10 and i rarely think back at how tortuous that time was for me (us).
    i love reading this journey of your’s – thank you for sharing it with us!

  10. Julia
    Posted August 14, 2006 at 11:45 am | Permalink

    You have documented your “journey” with such grace and honesty that it brought tears to my eyes. I’m so happy for you and Matt that this sweet mystery of life is unfolding for you. Continued blessings…. ?

  11. Laura
    Posted August 14, 2006 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

    Bionic sperm. I love that. ? You tell a great story.
    Seems to me there is always a mystery. My money is on “meant to be.”

  12. slierk
    Posted August 14, 2006 at 12:24 pm | Permalink

    I’ve been waiting patiently for part 2 of your amazing journey . . . now I have goosebumps & I am teary-eyed — at work!
    Thank you for sharing this amazing journey with us. We are so blessed to have you, if only virtually, be a part of our lives.
    Your blog is truly one of the best things on the Web. You and Google, baby. My two favorite sites.
    All the best,

  13. Posted August 14, 2006 at 12:25 pm | Permalink

    I randomly picked a gynecologist out of my insurance options simply to get a pap and some bc pills. I walked up to the door and saw that she was a GYN (not OB), and a FERTILITY specialist. I walked in that office with my beautiful vital little baby and I could just feel that I had done the wrong thing…those women sitting there wanted what I had. I felt that very strongly, so I am glad that your office was sensitive…and if any of you in that waiting room that day are reading this, I am sorry, and please keep hoping.

  14. Pamela (Texas)
    Posted August 14, 2006 at 12:45 pm | Permalink

    Oh, Andrea, I identify so much. My son, who is now 17, was conceived through IUI. We tried a couple of rounds of Clomid with IUI (they even had my husband take Clomid for a round!) to no avail. Finally, for us, it worked on the first round of Pergonal with IUI. That one’s a busy road. I was working in an office at the time. Had to go in each morning before work for a blood test (to monitor the FSH level), then at lunch for an ultrasound (to monitor follicles and make sure my ovaries didn’t hyperstimulate and explode!), and then after work for pergonal injections. All this for 10 days until it was determined it was time for the HCG injection. Then bring in the sperm, make them bionic, and do the insemination. Whew!
    Some of the stories are almost funny (driving to the doctor with a container of sperm between your legs to keep it body temperature, a crazy irreverent vision after the IUI of lighting up a cigarette)!
    We even went to an infertility support group. I cried through the whole meeting. I could only go one time. The advice I got was to drink Robitussin. It thins out nasal mucous, so it stands to reason it also thins out vaginal mucous, giving those swimmers an easier time of things! You can go absolutely insane over the conflicting suggestions. One very elderly, very genteel lady in my church shocked me with her suggestion of a particular sexual position to help with “gravity!”
    At the time, none of this was covered by insurance and it was very expensive. My husband was in graduate school and I was the breadwinner. But, we got our baby out of it. Four years later, ready to try again, the doctor said I might be more fertile, but maybe not. After trying to get pregnant for a year, we decided to try Clomid combined with IUI again. I got pregnant the first time. So both my babies are miracles. I tell them that I PURSUED them. They are so loved! I know all mothers feel their babies are miracles and love them, but I can’t help feeling sometimes that mine are a little special.
    Last year, my son was given a topic to write on in school. He was to argue either for or against the use of science in conception. Imagine, a baby born from that very science got the opportunity nearly two decades later to argue FOR that process. I felt so proud!!

  15. Vivienne
    Posted August 14, 2006 at 1:39 pm | Permalink

    I just adore you. Thank you for sharing your story and the crazy making suggestions.
    I am so happy for your success story! I really really am ?
    Big love to your little family.

  16. Posted August 14, 2006 at 2:33 pm | Permalink

    Thank you for sharing your story. It’s helpful to read, and told so well too. Thank you x

  17. Heather Murphy
    Posted August 14, 2006 at 2:36 pm | Permalink

    oh, andrea! i loved part 2 of your story. i am so thrilled for you during this exciting time. you are a woman of true strength and faith.

  18. Heather Murphy
    Posted August 14, 2006 at 2:36 pm | Permalink

    oh, andrea! i loved part 2 of your story. i am so thrilled for you during this exciting time. you are a woman of true strength and faith.

  19. Posted August 14, 2006 at 2:39 pm | Permalink

    yay! I love this part of the story. I was not a clomid sucess story. I ate healthier, drank green tea, and did a little yoga but not too much lol!

  20. Posted August 14, 2006 at 2:42 pm | Permalink

    Thank you.

  21. Posted August 14, 2006 at 3:05 pm | Permalink

    I’ve been reluctant to comment here for so long. I mean, you’ve got so many other commenters, what could one more add? Today you should know that I was a fan of your site long before your first post about miscarriage. I’m an even bigger fan now. I’m on a really similiar journey, and it’s so refreshing that you’re willing to talk about it. So many think of it as taboo and that often makes for some lonely times. Thanks for sharing your story.

  22. Heidi
    Posted August 14, 2006 at 4:02 pm | Permalink

    Thank you Andrea for sharing Part 2 of your story. You are amazing, strong and BEAUTIFUL!!

  23. Posted August 14, 2006 at 4:58 pm | Permalink

    the great, splendid, beautiful, perfect mystery.
    Grande Espiritu – great spirit – has such a marvellous way.
    thank you deeply for sharing your story dearheart…
    you are girl WONDER crescenting into woman STAR
    mama ohm to you

  24. Posted August 14, 2006 at 5:00 pm | Permalink

    I’ve been waiting for part two and I was not disappointed.
    My husband and I are also lumped into the “unexplained infertility” lot – about to do our second Clomid cycle, this time with IUI. I am so grateful you shared your story and gave me a little hope for myself today.
    And I’ve said this before, but I am so happy for you both.

  25. Posted August 14, 2006 at 5:13 pm | Permalink

    OMG…your list of advice given to you just cracked me up.
    so TRUE girl…so true…i’ve had all of those sent my way. what would we do without our humor?? ummm…go crazy much?
    i am so glad clomid and iui worked for you two beauties!

  26. Posted August 14, 2006 at 5:23 pm | Permalink

    You are brave –
    look how strong the grief has made you!
    What a blessed child to be born to you two.
    Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

  27. Posted August 14, 2006 at 6:03 pm | Permalink

    that is beautiful. and so are you.

  28. Posted August 14, 2006 at 7:24 pm | Permalink

    Thankyou for sharing such a personal experience.
    Wishing you a continued exciting journey. Be well all of you.

  29. Posted August 14, 2006 at 7:41 pm | Permalink

    Thank you for this look into your life. Much luck to you.

  30. sarah
    Posted August 14, 2006 at 7:53 pm | Permalink

    thank you so much for sharing, andrea. i am so excited for you and your new little one on the way. two of my sister’s-in-law have battled the infertility war and have a hard time communicating their feelings/frustrations. being able to read your well-written gamut of emotions has made me much more sensitive to their needs. thank you for being so open.

  31. Posted August 14, 2006 at 9:21 pm | Permalink

    i had no idea. i am empathetic of your struggle. we were not a clomid success story, but an injectible gonadatrophins + IUI success. wee! so glad it happened, but it is so hard. there were kids in our fertility clinic all the time and photos of babies all over the place. for hope? encouragement? i have no idea.
    yay for you guys and your wee nugget!!!

  32. sophia
    Posted August 14, 2006 at 9:35 pm | Permalink

    Hilarious I love that list of crappy things people tell you (well intentioned of course). I’m going to try to relax my sphincter tonight. I think everybody needs to read your story, if only to know what NOT to say to a trying-to-get-pregnant woman. A more specific companion to the “dont’ say panties and moist.”
    PS. Gosh, I’m not even on the hormones, but when Oprah gives something away and everyone is excited and cheering, I cry too.

  33. Posted August 14, 2006 at 9:56 pm | Permalink

    Andrea…I am just so happy for you and Matt.
    And grateful that you share your story so beautifully.
    I feel blessed reading it.

  34. laura
    Posted August 15, 2006 at 3:31 am | Permalink

    That is a great story Andrea.
    There are some things that we need our own western medicine for!
    Now, you will be the wise old sage, who when confronted by others thinking the holistic approach is the only way, you will say “Oh no, you need to try the clomid…. :-)”
    If someone had said that to you a year or two ago, you may have been saved much heartache. I am happy for you that your wish has come true.

  35. Posted August 15, 2006 at 5:47 am | Permalink

    i know you must have had hundreds of comments like this, but still.
    i come back to your blog every day ever since i first found it, to check for new posts. even though we have never met (and it is highly improbable that we ever will), i am the happiest person in the whole neighbourhood now. all because of your story and the way you tell it.
    thank you for being strong and brave and witty and lovely and so beautiful, beautiful! thank you for making me consider that one day (maybe sooner than i am used to thinking) my husband and i will start off on the road of becoming parents.
    to be honest, i hope we will not have to endure what you have endured. but if we will, i hope to be as strong and capable as you are.
    i will keep coming back. please keep writing.

  36. alison
    Posted August 15, 2006 at 6:23 am | Permalink

    beautiful. love it. thanks for sharing. more please. xoxo.

  37. Posted August 15, 2006 at 6:30 am | Permalink

    i admire your honesty and the willing to share your pain with the world. it is such a beautiful story and *so* real. you are such a terrific writer!
    again, congrats to you and matt!!

  38. Posted August 15, 2006 at 7:21 am | Permalink

    quite an amazing and inspiring story. a friend of mine says that in order for something big to go incredibly wrong, a number of small things must go kinda wrong. I think the same thing goes for something monumental to go right. Hurrah! Enjoy your time in this wonderful, wondrous place.

  39. Posted August 15, 2006 at 7:35 am | Permalink

    what a rollar coaster! and it’s just getting started!

  40. Kate
    Posted August 15, 2006 at 7:43 am | Permalink

    God, Andrea, that list! Sometimes I know people want to help but WHAT ARE THEY THINKING? You always know, tho. You listened to yourself and to Matt. This baby is going to have the best parents because the two of you are such good strong people.

  41. holli
    Posted August 15, 2006 at 8:08 am | Permalink

    I have never posted here before but I have been reading your blog for almost a year. I am on my first dose of clomid, and this week I will find out if it worked. You give me hope! It is also comforting to read other posts from these sweet women and know that it is possible. It hurts so much growing up in a state (UT)where it is uncommon for a woman over the age of 25 to have less than 2 kids. People say some very unkind things. Thank you for giving me so much hope that hopefully some day we will have a child of our own. Andrea, you are such a kindred spirit and I pray for only the best for you and your family. Thank you so much!

  42. Posted August 15, 2006 at 9:18 am | Permalink

    All I can think right now is I just feel so much gratitude. For you and Matt and your family. For your story that you so graciously shared with us. For hope and grief and mystery. Thank you, thank you, thank you. xx

  43. Elizabeth Jimenez
    Posted August 15, 2006 at 9:19 am | Permalink

    you should know you just filled my heart with hope. thank you. congratulations!

  44. Jennifer
    Posted August 15, 2006 at 9:47 am | Permalink

    I love how you described your adorable doctor!!! I think, with anything, it helps to have a plan written down in black and white, no matter what it is you’re trying to accomplish….
    So congratulations!! By the way, how far along are you now? 5 months, maybe?

  45. Tiffany
    Posted August 15, 2006 at 11:26 am | Permalink

    Andrea~your story gives me so much hope. I’m currently taking clomid for the second time and we are praying it works for us this time. I think if it doesn’t, then IUI would be our next step. We have always said that if it got to the point where we had to try invasive procedures, then we would probably just call it quits, but the way you have described your experience with IUI, it doesn’t sound so bad. Thank you for being so open and honest!

  46. RP
    Posted August 15, 2006 at 11:57 am | Permalink

    Thanks for sharing! We are on our first round of Clomid and your story has made me hopeful!
    My best to you!

  47. Posted August 15, 2006 at 1:59 pm | Permalink

    You are the best storyteller and I am so glad it is a success story. You are such an inspiration and the reason I started blogging in the first place.

  48. Lesley
    Posted August 15, 2006 at 5:24 pm | Permalink

    The mystery is why we are here, isn’t it?
    Love to you.

  49. Jennifer
    Posted August 15, 2006 at 11:05 pm | Permalink

    My friend Pixie told me this was a good post. I am dealing with all the above as well and have made some moves with rescrictions to Western Medicine. My clock is ticking though. Great success story! It’s always nice to hear the positive side:)

  50. Posted August 16, 2006 at 2:47 am | Permalink

    Thank you, thank you, thank you sooooo much for this post. I am going through EXACTLY the same thing at the moment – I have been trying to concieve for the last two years without sucess ( had a miscarriage last November). We have had all the tests done as well, including the HSG. We already know there is nothing ‘wrong’ with us as our consultant told us that even before we started on the long journey of doing the tests and now we are waiting for the final meeting with him and we more or less know I will be put on Clomid. I am so glad you posted this because I now know there is hope for me.

  51. Posted August 16, 2006 at 4:04 am | Permalink

    I always knew you would be a mama soon…the mystery was when! Welcome to the other side,
    Much love,

  52. Posted August 16, 2006 at 7:27 am | Permalink

    That is a wonderful, wonderful story. I am happy for you.

  53. Jen D
    Posted August 16, 2006 at 8:13 am | Permalink

    Halle freakin luyah!!!! Horrah for the sweet mystery of life!!!! Life is so weird, challenging, and wonderful. Yours is a fantastic story of perserverance… so inspiring.
    Your list is astounding. People are so strange when they are trying to comfort you. I praise you for not throttling anyone along the way… I’m sure it took a lot of strength. ;o)
    You made it. You made it through all of it. And here you are – blossoming with that amazing little belly full of sweet baby. Simply beautiful.
    How are you enjoying those movements these days?

  54. Posted August 16, 2006 at 9:25 am | Permalink

    Thank you so much for sharing this story. It’s beautiful and touching, and I’d have tears in my eyes, except that you said, “you just need to take this speculum home and identify the exact day you ovulate.” The laughing out loud kind of makes the tears go away. ?
    One love,

  55. Sally
    Posted August 16, 2006 at 11:43 am | Permalink

    Just randomly stumbled across your blog… What an inspiring story! Reading back in your blog, I can just tell you are going to be a wonderful mother.
    Good luck!!

  56. surcie
    Posted August 16, 2006 at 12:44 pm | Permalink

    Wow, that’s amazing. I’m so excited for you, Andrea. And I can’t wait to read about the moment you meet your child. I sure hope you’ll blog it!

  57. Posted August 16, 2006 at 1:13 pm | Permalink

    You are so brave!
    You are amazing, and wonderful, and cool.
    Thank you for sharing your story (this and all the others) with me. You are the cyber-friend I look forward to visiting.
    You are already the best, most fun mom!
    Love & Love to You,

  58. Carole
    Posted August 16, 2006 at 2:41 pm | Permalink

    Ah, the Mystery….and you will marvel even more when you see who this little one (or little ones?) is and how it was EXACTLY that sperm and that egg that needed to come together in this way and time to very intentionally create him or her! A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.
    Celebrating with you!

  59. Posted August 16, 2006 at 4:44 pm | Permalink

    Once again, thank you so much for sharing these intimate details with us.

  60. Posted August 16, 2006 at 4:52 pm | Permalink

    Your blog is so visually dynamic, so honest, and so full of wisdom and truth. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with other moms.

  61. Posted August 16, 2006 at 7:48 pm | Permalink

    I am grateful that you share your spirit and your life openly and honestly
    It is truly Fantastic
    you have amazing spirit
    thank you so much for sharing your life

  62. Ann
    Posted August 16, 2006 at 11:41 pm | Permalink

    Clomid was also my miracle drug…and on the first try too. My miracle baby is now 24 years old and is the joy of my life.
    Congrats to you and your husband!
    Best of luck to all others out there trying to conceive. It’s a hard thing to go through. I know first hand.

  63. Sue
    Posted August 17, 2006 at 11:48 am | Permalink

    Your story brought tears to my eyes. I’ve been waiting to hear part II and it was lovely. I’m so happy for you and Matt. You’re going to be the most amazing parents!

  64. Posted August 17, 2006 at 7:19 pm | Permalink

    Hey! Thank you for sharing your story…! It sounded like our journey too (well, except for the Italian doctor, ha ha!) Unexplained, the awful HSG… We are a Clomid and IUI success story too—only it was on our third try that it finally worked…! (And a good thing too, because I was going to stop the Clomid for a while—freaked out a little about it over-stimulating the ovaries…) And if the IUI didn’t work, we weren’t going to do anymore invasive or drugs… SO… I’m glad you shared this because there are so many people who commented that they’re going thru all that right now… Hearing about what others have been thru is so perfect and helpful… I know I was wishing for that at the time..
    Good luck with everything Andrea!!!

  65. W. Lotus
    Posted August 18, 2006 at 8:03 am | Permalink

    There is something I have been wanting in my life, something I have been trying to achieve for years. So far it hasn’t happened. I have gotten just about every piece of advice under the sun about what I am doing “wrong”, what I need to do differently, ad nauseam. I have been trying to fix myself.
    But maybe there isn’t anything “wrong” with me, after all. Maybe it’s “unexplained”, just like your seeming infertility was for you.
    I feel a teensy bit of hope for myself, now…not that I will get what I desire, but that maybe I really am “normal”.

  66. Posted August 18, 2006 at 9:33 am | Permalink

    Beautiful and wonderul and I’m oh so very, very happy for both of you!!! ? ? *sniff*

  67. Posted August 18, 2006 at 10:14 am | Permalink

    um… i just finished reading your entire blog. i started on the day of your last post and finished now.
    i don’t know what to do next. it feels like you have given me hope and inspiration, but on the other hand i am destroyed, because i know i can’t do it. “it” being whatever the inspiration is for.
    thank you for those questions that are now overwhelming me. i just wish i knew how to answer them…

  68. Posted August 18, 2006 at 12:23 pm | Permalink

    what a beautiful, beautiful journey…and i am a sucker for happy endings!

  69. Jo Ann
    Posted August 18, 2006 at 4:26 pm | Permalink

    Hi Andrea,
    I want to thank you so much for sharing your wonderful journey. Like yourself, I’ll be starting on Clomid with IUI next month. I’m also from the Bay Area, in fact my doctor is from CPMC. I’m excited, scared and very hopeful. I hope the first works for us too.
    Thank you again,
    Jo Ann

  70. melina Szapiro
    Posted August 18, 2006 at 4:56 pm | Permalink

    As a friend once told me: to have a baby is not a desicion of Two, but a desicion of Three. I can’t wait to see more of you pregnant and the coming of the little superhero!

  71. Posted August 19, 2006 at 9:56 pm | Permalink

    Andrea, I’m sending you a big hug and lots of great pregnancy vibes. I had different fertility troubles, but we’re expecting our second baby now. It was wonderful to read your story. Thank you for sharing.
    Know that the strange advice doesn’t stop with pregnancy, you’ll get it throughout your parenting experience. My favorite was when a dear friend tried to stop me from breastfeeding my newborn baby while I ate because she said that a grain of rice could pass through my nipple and choke the baby. I looked at her in disbelief and said, “You know there’s no tube that goes from your mouth to your nipple. That’s impossible.” She answered, “Yeah, I guess so, but why take the chance?”
    You’re going to be a fantastic mom. Good luck and I wish you comfortable sleep.

  72. Posted August 20, 2006 at 10:57 am | Permalink

    I’m very very happy for you!!

  73. Posted August 21, 2006 at 7:06 am | Permalink

    thank you so much for writing those words. i feel joy as tears run down my face.

  74. Amanda
    Posted August 21, 2006 at 10:00 am | Permalink

    dear andrea,
    you are so brave to confront your feelings so honestly, and even braver to share your feelings and experiences with us. it helps so many people. it’s good to know what other women go through even before i am ready to consider getting pregnant. i think in the past, when people lived less isolated lives, women shared this kind of information in intimate daily exchanges, and i love that blogging is bringing that back to us in this technological age!
    i bemoan how technology drives us apart and isolates us, but it also helps bring new life into the world and connects our lives to one another’s.
    anyways, pregnancy fits you and you will be an amazing mother, i’m certain!

  75. Posted August 22, 2006 at 6:19 am | Permalink

    My advice: relax your sphincter somewhat BUT NOT TOO MUCH!
    The advice people give! My word!
    Anyway, congrats and I am glad you are happy and healthy and well.

  76. Glow
    Posted August 22, 2006 at 8:11 am | Permalink

    Congratulations Andrea…you are about to embark on a sometimes hard but beautiful journey…your child will be your greatest and most beautiful creation.
    My little one is 9 and a half months and when I find myself feeling sad, he brings an instant smile to my face and reminds me to be strong.

  77. Posted August 23, 2006 at 8:33 am | Permalink

    Congratulations!! And thank you so much for sharing the story of your journey. Your feelings and frustrations resonate with me too… it’s such a painful process. I’m still waiting for my own miracle to happen… but hopefully someday soon!
    : )

  78. Gwendolen
    Posted August 29, 2006 at 9:06 am | Permalink

    Hi Andrea,
    Congratulations on your baby success! I too am a Clomid success story after trying to become pregnant for years. We got pregnant first try with clomid, then miscarried. The second time we tried it worked again, but i just miscarried at almost twelve weeks recently. But, I haven’t given up and I’ll be stocking up on clomid again soon! It helps to read yours and others experiences with infertility and it reassures me that someday soon, somehow we’ll have our baby too. But I particularly love how you describe having to let go of the ideals and the natural approach in favour of meds and clinics. As much as I love the idea of acupuncture, herbs etc, I wish I had let go of that sooner, they simply didn’t work for me. Here’s to western fertility intervention when its needed! And so great of you to write your story. Also- a great book is “A Few Good Eggs” by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan- AMAZING! Congratulations again! xo.

  79. Posted August 31, 2006 at 10:29 am | Permalink

    what a powerful story. my husband and i have been off the pill for 2.5 years and we’re starting to consider options for the future. thank you for sharing this + congratulations!

  80. tali
    Posted September 1, 2006 at 12:59 pm | Permalink

    I’m so happy for you guys! *hugs*

  81. Posted September 4, 2006 at 1:12 pm | Permalink

    A friend just bought a necklace from you and I followed her link over. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I wanted to comment above but it wasn’t letting me, regarding the kids you saw. My husband and I are SO immature and probably inappropriate with our kids but hey, they are the happiest kids we know with the best senses of humor!
    And do you knit? Ever do swaps? Jewelry for yarn? Let me know…. my shop is linked on my blog!

  82. debi
    Posted September 6, 2006 at 10:35 am | Permalink

    It is so interesting to me that I found your blog today of all days, and just by following a link – so random. I am not a Clomid success story – and today I had my first injection for IVF. It’s so strange to be typing this to you – I haven’t told anyone, not even my mom, because I just can’t bear to listen to exactly the kind if well meaning comments that you were talking about, and I also can’t be that topic of conversation… but I am immensely hopeful, even though the immediate future is a little(?!)scary. I’m glad to have stumbled across you, and I will definitely do it again. Thanks for sharing, and huge congratulations.

  83. Mindy M.
    Posted September 13, 2006 at 12:26 pm | Permalink

    I haven’t read your blog in a few months, but saw it in my favorites this afternoon and thought I would “check on you” secretly hoping you would be expecting…and surprise, you are. I’m SO happy for you. Even though you are a stranger to me, I am elated that you and your husband will get to experience the joy of being parents, of having so much of you wrapped up in a little human being. Congratulations a thousand times over.

  84. Chloe
    Posted September 19, 2006 at 6:32 am | Permalink

    Congratulations!! I came back to check if you have had any success… what a wonderful thing it is to have modern medicine work! I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and now possibly wanting another one… but in that time I have lost weight and now do not have a period… normal in weight loss but it is strange that I might not have such an easy time this time! Clomid is my first step too.. hopefully it works out! Congrats again!!

  85. Annemarie
    Posted September 28, 2006 at 5:48 pm | Permalink

    Thank you. Thank you for writing down all those things I have not been able to speak aloud. Thank you for publishing the mountain of well intentioned but nontheless bullshit advice amassed during your journey. Thank you most of all for saying “we’ll never know.” Thank you for acknowledging the mystery. I currently am on the monthly infertility rollercoaster. Going on 8 years now. What keeps me afloat every month when I’m not pregnant, again, is the thought that there is more to it than the biology. Even under perfect, even enhanced, favorable conditions (IVF), conception is not a gaurantee. It’s not a formula. Sperm + egg does not always equal baby. While that sound robotic now that I’ve written it down, that is how my logic-loving mind operates. This does not compute. I turn to my faith. That is what keeps my head above water, above more testing, prodding, poking & invading fertility “treatments.” My faith is my lifeboat. You’ve honored & validated that for me. I didn’t even know that I needed validation. Thank you for sharing your journey.